Person to Person

Communication; women speaking to women, women speaking to men, men speaking to women, men speaking to men, the nonverbal cues, the gestures. Why is this even a topic of conversation or of a blog? Are the differences between men and women’s conversation style so different as to warrant study after study, article after article, word after word? Absolutely. Through my experiences in communicating with men and women, observing communication between men and women, and even seeing stereotypical interactions of the genders within the media and how they represent men and women, and laughing because to a point, it is right on.
It is an interesting thought; men and women don’t necessarily communicate differently because of their body chemistry differences, but because of the interactions they had growing up. In Sex, Lies and Conversation by Deborah Tannen, she states this very thought. She says the communication styles are “cross-cultural.” Also in her article Men and Women Talking on the Job she reiterates this thought to say misunderstandings are caused by “differences in conversation style.” By recognizing and understanding that only can conflicts that arise due to the communication styles between the genders be addressed and are more likely to be adjusted so that each person has a better understanding of the others wants and needs. This can be especially true for marriages. In a few articles the idea of what each partner wants out of one another is a difference in communication style, communication being a very large factor in leading to a 50% divorce rate in this country.
In my own examples I have noticed that’s some of the statements in Tannens’ articles seem true and others do not seem to apply. This could be due to the fact that I think she is addressing only the “typical” conversation styles” and the men and women throughout my life have been anything but that.
For example, growing up, I ALWAYS had a best friend who was a boy, always. I think only now is it that things have changed. I remember them so well too. Tommy Benet and Brandon Burton in elementary school, then I moved to New Jersey where it became Mike Benet (no relation, I swear), then Mike Melody in middle school, and in high school they became Rob Anderson and Emmanuel Suarez. All this time I had best girlfriends.
I find it interesting that I did “do” a lot with the boys. As Tannen states, boys show there levels of friendship by doing. I would play elaborate games of x-men with Tommy (I know, I was a unique little kid) or played in the pool, or man hunt, or jump on the trampoline, or just cause trouble in “the hood.” I find it very interesting that despite the fact that I did a lot of activities with those boys, that we talked a lot. Honestly, there is one thing that I found to connect to them all. The fact that they had all troubled home lives in one way or another. One had no mom, one had an abusive mom, one had an abusive step father, and one had a father who was very critical of him. I think because of those instances, the fact that we “did” so much together and maybe it was the idea of me being a girl (who knows) but they were all able to open up to me unlike they had to anyone one before. I’ll never forget sitting on a trampoline with one of them and him telling me all these personal things and the fact that he said that he’s “never even told [his] mom.”
In these cases these boys seemed to go with and against Tannen’s idea. We were more active than I was, say with a girlfriend, but we spoke much more often than I feel she lets on in her articles. Although, it may be interesting to find them now and try to have a conversation with them, in that token, maybe age plays a big part in gender interactions.
Though I do have guys who are pretty close friends now, (I have managed to stay friends with Emmanuel) things just get so complicated as you age. The innocence in male-female relationships is, I feel, almost completely lost. I thought I had a best guy friend here. We would speak to one another about anything and everything along with doing things together. But in a way I feel like our friendship was based around this undertone of feelings for one another. When nothing really happened in that area, he seemed to drop me like a hot cake and now has a girlfriend, and I never see and barely speak to him. Why is it this way? It doesn’t seem to me that when girls have boyfriends they drop all their guy friends, but vice versa, guys become MIA. Perhaps a boy in the class might reply and help me to better understand.
I think in both friendships and relationships between members of the same and opposite gender need to better communicate what they want. Whether it be more eye contact, more or less verbal cues that they are listening like “yes,” “hmm,” and “uh-huh” and what makes them feel validated. The key to any communication I feel is the concept of validation. If you don’t feel validated you most likely don’t want to be around that person, plain and simple. Communicating what makes you feel that way and that there is a connection shouldn’t matter between genders. But the method of expressing those feelings and how often you express them may depend more upon which gender you are trying to communicate that to and how often.