You can tell alot about a person when they are afraid.

I agree in the idea that I, along with most, am selective in my perceptions and the methods I use in engaging my emotions; taking responsibility for them and logically displaying them as appropriate (according to the environment and people in my own audience). However, I truly do not believe that I engage in the same level of “logically displaying” emotions that most people do. I am going to make the claim that I am hyper-sensitive in that arena, especially in the areas of the heart. This is especially true when issues concerning my family and friends arise. In many ways I feel that “logically displaying” your emotions (especially when emotions such as anger, disappointment, love, disgust, fear and happiness) are running through your veins like streams of lava is nearly impossible. This is the case for myself; a strong, outspoken, and incredibly passionate and naturally dramatic person. When I am experiencing an emotion it is like a wave that takes over my body, it is as if instincts take over and those emotions are running the show.

There is a particular instance, a true story that actually happened recently, that best explains what I mean about something inside me, not necessarily logical thinking taking over and controlling a particular situation. About two weeks ago I had an extremely busy day. I left my room at eleven o’clock in the morning, only to return past midnight. I worked, ate dinner, had ran a (in which I am a director) rehearsal, two meetings back to back with different people, then ran an Alpha Psi Omega meeting in which I am President. This is important to note because my roommate is a cast member in the show and a member of Alpha Psi. When I left that morning, she was asleep; I called her that evening to get dinner (and left her a voicemail) and by the time I went to rehearsal that night, I had not seen or spoken to her. Then she didn’t come to rehearsal, this not being like her, I assumed something really important must have come up or I did not get my conflict sheet correctly, and when the stage manager called her she got her voicemail; I thought “I’ll ask her at Alpha Psi.” When she did not show up for that, I thought “something must be wrong, this is really out of character, to miss two important meetings, to not pick up her phone or answer text messages, something must have happened; I’ll talk to her when I get back to the room.”

When I arrived to my room and she wasn’t there I became nervous, very nervous. Actually I don’t think there is a good enough adjective to explain how that nervousness grew into a gut wrenching fear. I found a note from her on my desk saying that her parents were in Las Vegas and she was “going home for a few,” not knowing when the note was written I had no idea when she left. Not knowing exactly what to do, with time passing and continuingly calling her only to get her voicemail I grew even more anxious. One of my roommates uncles’ was a cop in South Jersey, so she offered to call him to see if any reports had been filed about an accident in that area. He hadn’t heard of anything and suggested we call her house, the local police department by her house and near our school. Not having her home phone number, we Googled her last name and town. Looked in her drawer to try to find her sister’s number and came across their address. Then I continued to call her home phone. When she didn’t pick up there, I thought the absolute worst.

It was now after one in the morning and all these horrible scenarios of her in the car and getting into an accident flooded my mind. I decided to then call Rider security to see if her car was on campus, hospitals, the Alloway state police department, the Deptford local police, the Lawrenceville police department, anything in route between Rider and her house. It wasn’t until I spoke to the police that I became, I’m going to say almost hysterical. I and six of my roommates, and one of their boyfriends were calling anyone and everyone. My main reason for concern was the fact that 1) it was not like her to be late, let alone not show up to something and 2) for her not to pick up the phone or the very least text me and 3) I was the only one she would have really contacted; my roles as director of the show she missed rehearsal for, President of the meeting she missed and clearly, her roommate left me as her number one contact person. If she never contacted me, there really wasn’t anyone else she would have contacted.

The police dispatchers were very helpful, but when they asked me particular questions, it all became too real, too strenuous, and too emotional and that is when I broke. Until I spoke to the police I was the most calm, logical, rational one of the bunch. Until I spoke to the police I was in control. Once the realization of what was occurring and could have potentially happened hit, I damn near lost it.

In Putting Your Emotions To Work, by Sylvia Bushell she describes anxiety, one of the storngest emotions I was feeling at that time. She claimed that being emotionally intelligent is "not only managing anxiety but understanding the message that anxiety gives." She defines anxiety as a reaction which "tells us we are uncertain about what is to come."

In that situation, an extreme circumstance, where emotions were raw and tensions were high I feel there was no “logical” or “appropriate” way to act and clearly no “management” of emotions, no matter how “emotionally intelligent” I may be or how I scored on my EQ test. This does seem to contrast with Bushell's claim that "everyone has the capacity to manage their emotions." In the case of what I consider an emergency, there was no thought process, no "management" only instinctive actions. In my mind there was no “audience” despite the fact that I was surrounded by roommates and eventually police, it was only me, myself, I and utter desperation and fear.

I am relived to say what eventually had happened was I got into contact with her (at two o’clock in the morning) through a mutual friend and she had locked her keys, purse and phone in her trunk while she went home and stopped by this friend’s house on her way back to Rider. Believe it or not, when I found out that she was ok was my absolute breaking point. The flow of emotions, the “lava” I referred to before erupted from every orifice and thus I became, what looked like a basket case. As a side note, I would just like to say that I have no regrets in what I had done because not only did all the girls I live with realize we don’t emergency contact information for each other, but god forbid something did happen, I believe in my heart, I did the right thing; whether or not I was “carried away” by my emotions and passionate personality. And all in despite the fact that I am mocked about what happened still today by others, I really couldn’t care less what anyone thinks. I care about my roommate and her safety and I would do the same and react the same way if anyone I cared for I thought was in danger or harmed.

(I finally figured out how to post a picture so up top is a picture of my roomate Agggg (Andrea) and I.)

Success is happiness as happiness is success as...whoa!

Success, being successful, having success, trying to succeed; these concepts all have so many meanings to people. The idea or the concept of success is so individualistic, so personal, that although there are textbook definitions such as “an event that accomplishes its intended purpose” or “a state of prosperity or fame;” it is without limits to most. Thinking outside the box, you could ask “as success in what?”- family, money, job, status, survival, anything really. By asking that question the answer truly is infinite, no bounds and is not the same for each person if one by one people were asked.

For myself; what do I perceive as successful? Well, I believe you can have success and achieve success and fail at success in numerous areas of your life. I refuse to believe there is anyone who is just plain, labeled, the end, successful or not successful. In my opinion everyone is successful is one way or another and unsuccessful in certain areas of their life. If I were to elaborate on this point I could argue that then that means success could be based on happiness or money, career choice or status, family or friends. I consider myself is multiple areas, friends and family, my career choice and status within them because I worked hard and was able to achieve my personal best. Even if I wasn’t high ranking in my job or had “status,” I’d still consider myself successful in those arenas because at least I had a job in general. And I’m not saying people who do not, say, have a job, are not successful; they can be just in other ways. If they don’t have a job and are as pleased as punch doing whatever else it is that they are doing, then by all means, another “success story.”

I choose to look at success for myself as being goal driven, hard working, honest and happy. If I work my ass off (excuse the French) to get an A in a class, give it all I have and then more, didn’t cheat, worked well with others, had fun and got something out of the class and left with a B-, then I’d genuinely still consider myself a success… in some ways. Actually, this probably isn’t a very good example, I’d be pretty upset with a B- and would consider my grade not successful (for myself, I aim high when it comes to grades) but I consider having that as an experience and a learning tool as successful and knowing that if I worked that hard and only got a B-, imagine what I would have gotten if I just went through the motions. That’s a pretty successful performance.

I guess at this point most of you may be thinking of me as an optimist and boy is that true. I mean there isn’t much that bothers me or I complain about. And I truly do always try to find the bright side of everything, even successes in side what others may deem failures. In regards to the question asking: “to what extent would you give something up in order to be more successful?” I would truly give up personal happiness so that someone I love could be successful, if I felt it was best, because that would then make me happy, and it would even out for me in the end. But for example, if my husband thought in order for our family to succeed you need to stay home with the kids. Although that would make him happy, for myself, I could not do that for a long period of time. For my own personal happiness and fulfillment I will sacrifice myself, my body, my time, my passions, my drives to a point. But there does come a point when I would absolutely realize a say “look, I need happiness and personal fulfillment, if you think the kids need more time with a parent at home, feel free, I got goals and dreams and I won’t stop until I succeed.” Whatever that success means, even if I just succeed in trying I succeeded.

Can success be contagious, to a point yes. You can achieve a high status in a job and take a colleague with you, but if that isn’t their drive or passion or where they truly want to be, then its only really a success for yourself. I think the drive for success is extremely contagious however. My parents are the hardest working people as far as I know in the world. They just wish to succeed. I consider them successes as parents because they want to give what my sister and I. What I want from them is love, security and support and I’ve got it. As far as their roles as individuals I know they want more. More money, more security, more adventure, more laughs, less stress, but knowing them, they’ll work until they achieve it. They have come so far, and in interviewing them I have learned more about trials, struggles and what hard work can give you then I care to share. But believe me when I say, they are successes in many more ways then one.

My personal view of success is so closely related to happiness that I almost feel as if I want to call them synonyms for one another. They could almost work interchangeably in my personal concept of what I deem as success and probably has throughout this blog. And after reading What Is Success? by Ralph Waldo Emerson; I feel as if my concept of success was presented best through his words. Notice the word “money” was never once spoken. This is his poem:

To laugh often and much

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children

To earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends

To appreciate beauty

To find the best in others

To give of one's self

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition

To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived

This is to have succeeded.

This is indeed my concept of success as well. There is a great example of a "success story" within pop culture and this person stands out in my mind as well as in many people’s (I’m sure) and that person is Oprah. I’m not mentioning her because she has billions, or that she is the head of multiple company’s and hundreds upon hundreds of employees, or that she could buy her own country if she wanted to. But I feel she is one of the greatest successes known to us all. She was able to overcome personal battles and go after what she wanted. She followed her dream, all by being herself, making herself and others happy, and doing this all in a non-conventional way. Clearly she’s not the typical successful white male with two children and white picked fence. She is s single adult African America women with no children, no husband, class, morals, values, and a work ethic that won’t quit who seems happy and continues evolving her goals to meet her needs as time goes on. Now that is a success to me. And believe me I would have loved to have interviewed her.