"I Won't Back Down"

This class just plain astounds me. I have never, ever, had a class that seems to correlate so directly with my everyday life. I have so recently come to the point where I have seriously thought about “cleaning house,” but not just cleaning house, cleaning the whole damn state of New Jersey, but then thought, why stop there? Why not clean the world? Before I continue I would like to just like to say that I have already begun crying; (I have what, written four sentences)? This topic is so relevant in my life that I am having such a hard time trying to even start, I mean where in the world do I begin?

I guess I could begin with the idea of “self-disclosure,” I am not a good self discloser, plain and simple. Issues that I feel or are relevant to me, or upset me I would much rather tuck away and forget about, but as we all know, that is impossible. By tucking away, storing and essentially hiding my feelings I have slowly begun to crack, and now I am like a damn waiting to flood the world. This is very very scary for me and my family. I have recently, very recently come home (I’m here now) for the first time in months (I remained at school over the summer to work at the information desk).

Over the past few months there has been some serious things going on in my life, which honestly I am choosing not to disclose because I do not wish to share this part of myself with the class. Needless to say, I came home to go to a wedding and sat my kitchen table with my parents who basically let me have it. Not in a negative way, but who basically told me that they have seen me transform since about April into someone they have never seen. I used to always be so happy, positive, upbeat and let things slide off my back and now I am so stressed and worn down that they are worried.

Basically, without naming names, or giving too much information away, to remain at least partially disclosed I am upset with a core group of people. People, who I thought were my friends, who I am surrounded by, and who I have disclosed enormous amounts of information to over the past few years here at Rider. I don’t know what has happened over the past few months but I have discovered that they are the most cruel-hearted, selfish, hurtful, lying people I have ever encountered in all my existence. Perhaps it is that I feel this way because overtime they showed little elements of themselves that are like that and I chose not to confront them about it, but let it absorb into my soul, where it has festered and lay dormant only to not come out for revenge (intense I know).

It has come to the point where the teapot is steaming, over flowing and boiling onto the counter, if you know what I am saying. But instead of focusing my anger on these people and letting them know how I feel, I am quiet, sullen, and slightly cold towards almost everyone. And instead of disclosing these feelings out of now, fear of my reaction, instead of theirs I still have yet to let these people know what I think of their behavior towards others and myself.

There is a peer-reviewed conference paper called Argumentativeness and verbal aggressiveness: Type of argument as a situational constrain by A. J. Johnson that basically states that arguments in interpersonal relationships can be divided into two types: public issue arguments and personal issue arguments. Arguing over topics such as politics, a public issue argument can be very different than arguing over topics such as cleaning the house, a personal issue argument. It was a study that study examined argument type as a situational constraint on argumentative and verbally aggressive behavior. In it both men and women reported higher amounts of argumentative behavior in the public issue argument. Women reported higher amounts of verbally aggressive behavior in the personal issue argument, but men did not report significantly different levels of verbally aggressive behavior in either type of argument. Implications for the study of argumentativeness and verbal aggressiveness in personal relationships are discussed.

I find it interesting that private and public arguments are in two separate categories in the study, because in my world nothing is private, and perhaps that’s why I choose to keep it to myself. If I decide to tell one person anything the whole damn world (or I guess in such a smaller perspective my world, which may as well be the whole world to me) seems to know about it. Nothing seems to be sacred with the majority of people that I surround myself with, which seems to contradict everything I have ever advocated, which is privacy and being honest.

I know, that for my own sanity I need to clean house, but how to do this I have no idea. Needless to say it is going to be a big sweep!!!!! I am at the point where I know that I am strong enough and wise enough to decipher who and what is worth my time and energy. I truly know that the people who I will be cutting out of my life are in for a rude awakening. It saddens me but, I just emotionally and physically can not deal with them anymore, plain and simple. It is going to be a shock to most but at this point, I should have learned with high school, that in a few months most of these people will not be in my life unless I want them to be, but for the remainder of the time, I honestly cannot and will not deal. I refuse to let them stomp on me, bring me down. They can talk about me all they want to each and every person they contact with because at this point, as Tom Petty says “I won’t back down."

Tom Petty’s: I Won’t Back Down lyrics, they are a very valid and different way to explain and express my feelings of the situation at the moment.

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

No I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin me down
gonna stand my ground
... and I won't back down

Chorus:
(I won't back down...)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(and I won't back down...)
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin me around
but I'll stand my ground
...and I won't back down

(I won't back down...)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(and I won't back down...)
hey I will stand my ground
(I won't back down)
and I won't back down...

(I won't back down...)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(I won't back down)
hey I won't back down
(and I won't back down)
hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(and I won't back down)
hey I will stand my ground
(and I won't back down)
and I won't back down
(I won't back down)
No I won't back down...

Here is also a selection by Kalidasa which I felt was inspirational and encouraging for those who may also be having a hard time cleaning house.
Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!
Look to this Day!
For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the
Verities and Realities of your Existence.
The Bliss of Growth,
The Glory of Action,
The Splendor of Beauty;
For Yesterday is but a Dream,
And To-morrow is only a Vision;
But To-day well lived makes
Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!